Loin des yeux loin du coeur

This French saying is true and false at the same time.
It's true because the farther the object or person that is dear to your heart is, the longer time passes, the more your pain caused by the absence eases and fades.

But as soon as you know you'll see it again, as soon as you know you are getting closer to it in place and time, the pain rises again, the hopes surge, you feel the blood pumping into your heart again faster and faster... Closer and closer... Sooner and sooner...

And if you have to leave it again, go faraway from it again, then the pain feels like your heart will explode and even though time and distance will soothe it, the wound has deepened.

There are only 2 solutions to it: keep away from it, never talk about it, hide away your feelings, bury it deep... Or stay with it forever, no matter what...
This choice is the hardest. Mine is staying here in my original country or leave again and go back to the country that did feel like home...

Feels like home...or not...

A year and a month ago, we came back "for good" to France, the country wherewe grew up, where we lived for most of our life. The country we still called "Home" for all the 7 years we lived in London. When we took our decision, we even kept on saying "We're going back home".
Yet, since we came back to France, it hasn't felt like Home AT ALL!

Thinking about it, I never felt like I was "home" for all the years that I lived in France. I always did feel like a stranger in my home country, in my home town.
Adolescent, only when I was going to Germany for 2 weeks every summer did I feel less like a stranger. I knew I was a stranger in the eyes of the new people I kept on meeting over there, but a different kind of stranger, the kind that people welcome with open arms, that people won't juge because they are different.Of course you're different: you come from a different country, with a different culture and different habits! Why would they juge that? And in the end, we always found similarities that made them accept me for who I was and not only because I was a stranger! So I wasn't so much of a stranger anymore and I found my-self feeling better over there, in Germany, than I always had back home in France.

Living in London, it was just the same as in Germany, to the additional fact that I wasn't the only one in this case, all the people around me were strangers living in the same town: not their home town. All these people were special because of this. They accepted it, therefore accepted them-selves and people around them accepted them for it too.
More to that, as people were able to accept each other for their cultures, they were able to accept each other too for their  character traits.

I've always had a certain capability to accept people for what they are, to try not to juge, or at least not straight away...to give the benefice of the doubt.
So when I entered this whole new community, this whole new mixed culture, I found my home.
I always thought that this non-belonging feeling I had felt in France vs. the do-belong feeling I had experienced in Germany was due to my adolescence. But seeing how hard it is to feel like home here in France vs. in London, maybe that wasn't only it, maybe France is just not my home country at heart, just on paper and where my family lives...

That would explain why the first thing I thought when waking up on the morning of our week-end in London was "I'm going back home!!!" with a strong sense of relief and the songI had in my head all week-end was "Feels like home" by Nora Jones, and the main thing I felt when leaving again to go to France was a suffocating tightening in my chest...

Have a second child?

Lately I've been thinking about having a second child quite a lot. Many things brought it to my mind:

• my Pepette is growing towards her 3 years old next summer: 

 She is growing A LOT! Becomes more and more clever and chicky, in constant movement. She's growing so fast we realised recently we had to subscribe her to the Maternelle down the road for next september! But she's also growing a massive Oedipus complex! Everything has to be done by Daddy, eat, put to bed, get up from bed, play... almost only Daddy gets hugs and kisses(unless she hurts her-self or is so tired she doesn't realises who picks her up)... Feels like I'm just there to tell her off sometimes. :( It gets very frustrating for me. I miss having my own time with her, like during breastfeeding times, when I just had to lie down and her with me, resting or taking a nap...when she used to be just a baby. So I miss having a baby. Don't get me wrong, beside all this, I'm so glad Elea is growing so well and she will always be my baby girl! I just need another one...

• new babies around: 

 there's been a few new babies in the family and friends. We went to visit them and carrying the precious little things in my arms (although they were all way smaller than my Pepette when she was born!) made me wish for a second one! The mums asked me loads of questions about how I took care of Elea, breastfeeding, the carrying scarf and how much we were able to go everywhere with her thanks to it, asked me to sooth their new mums-worries...etc. All this reminded me of how much I liked breastfeeding, how I enjoyed walking around London, how careless I was of all the usual mum-worries, which made me enjoy it even more...

• looking towards the future: 

Now we came back to France and are starting to settle down, I'm trying not to look back at the past, London and how much I miss my life there, but I'm forcing my-self to look forward. Well it's not a very far future I'm looking at (I'm completely incapable of this), but towards the next year or two. Amongst other things, I'd like for us to have a second child in the next year or two so that Elea and him/her won't have too much age difference.


But when should we do it? We're planning on a few things in the next couple of years...

•  buying a house (necessary for a second child), which means it would have to be done before we kick off the baby-making sessions (not just the playoffs ;) ) 
• getting a PACS (pacsés like we say in french) for administration matters like...lower taxes to pay. 
• but why getting a PACS, why not getting married instead? 

Yeah you read well, I said it: why not getting married instead. I always thought it was silly do get a PACS when it's the same as a wedding: signing a piece of paper at the townhall, minus the party and the fuss. I'd rather have the party that goes with it and have some fun!
OK but getting married takes at least 1 year to prepare + if ever we do it, my man wants to do a proper proposal... That means baby + wedding...errrrr not sure about the idea of getting married whilst preggie and looking like a Zepplin!

 Arf it's all so confusing and frustrating! Well I'm sure I'll make some sense out of it sooner or later...